Once upon a time, men wore the pants, and wore them well. Women rarely had to open doors and little old ladies never crossed the street alone. Men took charge because that’s what they did. But somewhere along the way, the world decided it no longer needed men. Disco by disco, latte by boamy non-fat latte, men were striped of their khakis. And left stranded on the road between boyhood and androgyny. But today, there are questions our genderless society has no answers for. The world sits idly by as cities crumble, children misbehave… We need heroes… We need men to put down the plastic fork, step away from the salad bar and untie the world from the tracks of complacency… It’s time to answer the call of manhood. It’s time to wear the pants.Let's see- "disco by disco" and "androgyy"- could that be code for Gay (actually, disco could be code for gay and/or Black)? Hmm. And "cities crumble" is code for let's see, it's right on the tip of my tongue.... Black and poor? And children misbehave because someone's to blame. Who is it? Oh yes, women. If this sort of advertising doesn't scare every man into wearing khakis, what will? But actually, it's straight, white men (the very ones most likely to wear these khakis) who should be afraid of this kind of masculinity more than anyone. It forces them to be "heroes" and really super human. Instead of relating to other humans, they must relate as the "pants" and can never actually be weak or afraid or part of a group- but rather must charge ahead into battle like John Wayne on T. And if you are a straight, white men - listen to me on this- you should be afraid of the pants themselves. If being a real man means wearing something as tacky as Dockers khakis, well, that's more or less like having Satan drag your soul to hell. So be afraid. Everyone. Of what is out there. And avoid the Dockers. Why not try some nice skinny leg jeans in a bright and happy color instead? I promise it will make the world a much less hellish place.